The Illumination

"In that hotel my life
rolled in its socket
twisting my strings.
All my mistakes,
from my earliest
bedtimes,
rose against me:
the parent I denied,
the friends I failed,
the hearts I spoiled,
including at least
my own left ventricle—
a history of shame.
'Dante!' I cried
to the apparition
entering from the hall,
laureled and gaunt,
in a cone of light.

'Out of mercy you came
to be my Master
and my guide!'
To which he replied:
'I know neither the time
nor the way
nor the number on the door…
but this must be my room,
I was here before.'
And he held up in his hand
the key,
which blinded me."

- Stanley Kunitz, from The Testing Tree

A Fan's Notes

"I tried a number of places in Watertown before settling on The Parrot; though it was not exactly the cathedral I would have wished for, it was--like certain old limestone churches scattered throughout the north country--not without its quaint charms. It was ideally located on a hill above the city; sitting at the bar I was seldom aware of the city's presence, and when I was, I could think of it as a nostalgic place beneath me, a place with elm trees and church towers and bone-clean streets; sitting at the bar, the city could be thought of as a place remembered, and remembered as if from a great distance….Sunday afternoons, with the music stilled and the blinds thrown open allowing the golden autumn sunlight to diffuse and warm the room, I would stand at the bar and sip my Budweiser, my "tapering-off" device; munch popcorn from wooden bowls; and in league with the bartender Freddy, whose allegiance to the Giants was only somewhat less feverish than mine, cheer my team home. Invariably and desperately I wished that the afternoon, the game, the light would never end."

- Frederick Exley, from "A Fan's Notes" 

"These are the killed.

(By me) --
Morton, Baker, early friends of mine. 
Joe Bernstein. 3 Indians. 
A blacksmith when I was twelve, with a knife. 
5 Indians in self defence (behind a very safe rock). 
One man who bit me during a robbery. 
Brady, Hindman, Beckwith, Joe Clark,
Deputy Jim Carlyle, Deputy Sheriff J.W. Bell.
And Bob Ollinger. A rabid cat
birds during practice,


These are the killed. 

(By them) --
Charlie, Tom O'Folliard
Angela D's split arm, 
                                    and Pat Garrett
sliced off my head. 
Blood a necklace on me all my life."

- Michael Ondaatje, The Collected Works of Billy The Kid

 

 

"Levin felt guilty but could do nothing.

He felt that if they both spoke without dissimulation and straight from the heart, they would only look into one another's eyes and Constantine would say nothing but, 'You will die! You will die!' and Nicholas would only say in reply: 'I know I shall die and I am afraid, afraid, afraid!' That was all they would say if only they spoke straight from the heart. But that would make life impossible; therefore Constantine tried to do what all his life he had tried and never known how to do (although he had often observed that many people were able to do it well), something without which life was impossible: he tried to say something different from what he thought; and he felt all the time that it sounded false and that his brother detected him and grew irritable." 

- Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, Part III / Chapter XXXII

A Necessary Exorcism

"Callow & in another century, I leered at white girls &
dreamed of a future where my lips might boldly graze
upon their pretty, pale globes. Middle-aged & eating
sardines on a reservation, I re-assessed the collective der-
riere of Indian womanhood & saw a kite-like tail, its
host of ancestor ghosts fluttering far back into baying
wolf pack days. Reawakened, I made my choice so easily
& picked red drama, the joyous pain of it all & that is
why, darling, I drove six hours to silently stand with my
hot hands upon your frozen tombstone, the pitiful prai-
rie  snow whimpering down." 

...Adrian C. Louis, from his collection "Random Exorcisms." A writer whose work I admire a great deal, and who is probably not read / talked about as much as he should be.